4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
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My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
😩😩😩
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.