The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
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[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.