me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
All right then, keep your secrets
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates