“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
You Might Also Like
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
It’s the weekend y’all
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much