I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
You Might Also Like
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Well well well…
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.