friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
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(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]