I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
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I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”