FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
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“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point