Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
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*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
God has abandoned us.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.