My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
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Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?