Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
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Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Worth the read.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities