Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
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Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Not my job 😂
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm