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It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
new record!
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Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
When your man makes a valid point
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
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If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them