My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
You Might Also Like
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
More like Kate Missington.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
But I really needed water water water