Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
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Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.