My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
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if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
The Assassin.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.