K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.