Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
You Might Also Like
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
the #horror is real!
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person