I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
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Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
put ‘er there pardner!
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*