me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
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Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?