I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
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Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.