My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
You Might Also Like
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”