We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
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I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
mechanics be like
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me