I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
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I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.