Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
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Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time