Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅