Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
You Might Also Like
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
WWE is French for “yes”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.