Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
You Might Also Like
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
HOW DARE YOU
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!