If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
You Might Also Like
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him