Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
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FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.