I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
You Might Also Like
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
the last thing a carrot sees
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume