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Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”