Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
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Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
X-tra spooky blend
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.