My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
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Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!