A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
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I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.