met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
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not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.