Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
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Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
i did the math
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river