I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
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usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My boss called in sick of me
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Guantanamo Bae
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.