my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
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I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.