DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
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[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds