*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
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me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Okay
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
In case you needed to hear it:
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.