if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
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good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.