Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Tastes like chicken.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”