FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
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My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
This hospital has everything
Well. That’s not a good sign.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.