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For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter