Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
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This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car