Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?