*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
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My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool