Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
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An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?