An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
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“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
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I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.